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Biochemist Goes to War: 5

by THE Twank Fri Mar 17th, 2017 at 04:35:59 AM EST

A Biochemist Goes To War  Part V

Meet the Enemy

Scene 1: The Douchbag Country Club.  Very little activity ... no one golfing.  A few employees scattered around.  Jeff of the EIS is addressing six temporary EIS employees ... all have jackets with the EIS logo in huge letters ... all with official looking faux CSI kits.  Jeff: "OK, listen up people.  This is a training exercise." Jeff pauses to shoo away one of Conrad's flies which lands upon his shoulder and attaches.  "In a little while a small group of real reporters will be allowed on the premises.  They're here to add realism to this exercise.  You have mock cameras ... take pictures of anything that looks reasonable.  No screwing around ... the whole exercise is being filmed." A lie but who cares.  "Remember ... you do not speak to the media.  If anyone asks you a question, say that all information on this case is classified and direct them to me, Agent Piccard.  If any  reporter gets pushy, call over one of the police ... they will warn the reporter not to bother you or they will be led off the premises."  One of the faux agents: "Are there any phrases that sound really scienterrific that we could use with each other to sound impressive?"  "The following phrase can be used if you ... say ... collect a soil sample ... or take a closeup photo of anything ... or even do a dust for fingerprints bit ...  just say to your fellow agent, "Do you think this is amenable to the fragistan carcoblans?" ... and you both peer into each other's eyes like you said something meaningful.  The reporter will be so busy trying to write down  fragistan carcoblans and google it that that person will be out of action for ten minutes.  It's fun to watch.   One final thing.  You have your list of red tape items.  For example, all unopened alcoholic beverages and all materials from the kitchen walkin cooler will be red-tagged and moved into the red-tag van or the refrigerated red-tag truck.  All other items will be loaded into the other vehicles for transport to the central office.  That's it ... get to work ... try to enjoy yourself and always ... always ... look official."  The faux agents scatter ... some taking pictures ... other putting soil samples in test tubes and adding phony reagents.  Two agents head for the storage areas to box up red-tag items for transport to Lenny's estate.  Three reporters enter ... they've already been instructed to take all the pictures they wish but under no circumstances should they disturb the agents in any way ... treat this like a murder scene ... your cooperation is appreciated ... there will be a Q&A session with Head Agent Piccard at the end of the day.


Scene 2:  Rory and Conrad at The Pot Shop, listening over the fly on Jeff's shoulder. Rory: "This is great.  Can you believe these clowns ... it's all bullshit.  But why are they doing it?" Conrad: "My guess ... one ...  the EIS needs a write up for appropriations time.  This phony shit looks great on paper.  Second ... we need to figure out what the red-tag items are all about.  Third ... the EIS has lost a huge chunk of the funding it had in the last administration ... it can't afford science anymore.  We're witnessing the devolution of our society.  Pretty soon science will be stone knives, bear skins, and leeches.  California might escape if it can break away from the rest of the continent but that's iffy ... they're human and most humans only react, not act."  "Keep that fly on the EIS spokesman ... what's his name ... Agent Piccard ... keep that up.  Let's see if we can get info if he makes a phone call."

Scene 3: Golf Course.  All the goods in the walkin cooler are being boxed, labeled with red tape, moved to the refrigerated van.  Jeff is overseeing. Jeff calls Lenny: "Lenny ... Jeff.  I'm on site at the Golf Course ... we're boxing up the cold items for your house right now.  They've got a huge collection of booze ... that's going to take some time to box up but I'm on it.  Someone is also in the Pro Shop ... golf balls, tees, golf clubs ... I could use a few of those ... we'll take everything without a traceable logo.  We can always pawn it on the side for pocket money. (pause)  Yeah, don't worry ... this is going like all the other jobs ... I'll give the press the standard line of of nonsense so they have something to publish while saying absolutely nothing.  I've already visited three of the local hospitals ... this whole black dick thing has me puzzled.  Wish we still had the science guys to back us up ... damn cutbacks. By the way, do you think that there's any connection between the deaths in the Krupt family, the deaths of the protesters, and this outbreak?  All these things happened in the same geographic area ... I smell something funny. (pause) Fine, I won't bother you.  Is it OK if I take some time to visit my girlfriend Julie?  Yeah, I'll button up here before I head out.  I'll be at the Ingraham Motor Lodge in Lloyd if you need me.  OK, out.  Enjoy your loot."

Scene 4: The Pot Shop.  Rory and Conrad are staring at each other.  Conrad; "They're looting the place.  The investigation is a huge scam!  They're Making America Great Again!" Rory: "Yeah, but this Agent Piccard seems to have a brain ... he suspects that there's a connection to the Krupts.  I want to meet this guy ... the Ingraham Motor Lodge ... I'll go visit.

Scene 5: Ingraham Motor Lodge parking lot.  Rory is waiting in his car ... knows what Agent Piccard looks like ... waiting for the classic black government-mobile.  There's a bar off the main motor lodge.  And here comes the Fed.  Agent Piccard exits his parked vehicle ... traveling case in hand ... enters the check-in.  Rory exits his vehicle ... assumes that Jeff will be tired  ... thirsty ... so he goes into the bar ... sits at a table ... orders a tonic water with a twist ... no alcohol.  Fifteen minutes later Jeff enters ... goes straight to the bar ... sits ... orders a scotch on the rocks.  Jeff downs his drink ... orders another.  Rory waits 10 minutes ... lets Jeff's drink sink in ... walks up to the bar next to Jeff ... orders another tonic.  Rory, to Jeff: "You look beat ... tough day?" "God, don't ask ... I hate my job."  "I hear that a lot ... that's why I have my own consulting firm.  I choose my clients ... choose the problems to solve ... ignore everything else."  "Ain't you lucky ... I work in hell ... the Federal Government."  "What brings you to Anal-Noise?"  "There's a potential public health problem ... a bunch of rich boys are turning up in hospitals with ... peculiar problems.  I work for the EIS ... it used to be the FBI of science but with budget cuts we're more of a PR organization ... keep the public pacified while they think the government gives a fuck about them ... which it doesn't." Rory: "Hey, I haven't had dinner ... want to grab a bite ... I'm Rory." "Love to Rory ... I'm Jeff ... let's make it really expensive ... I've got a government credit card ... let's make the sucker public pay for it.

Scene 6:  Expensive Restaurant. Rory sitting across from Jeff.  Jeff continues to whine about his horrible  life ... what he has to do to earn a paycheck.  Jeff: "I got a Masters in microbiology ... and for what? ... to work for some asshole. So what do you do in this consulting firm you own?"  "I solve problems ... all sorts of problems ... in the field of food science, agriculture, product development, food processing, adhesives, ... you name it.  I'll take on any problem as long as it's not pure physics."  "I don't get it ... how can you be an expert in all those areas?"  "I'm not.  A new problem comes along and I'm the new kid on the block.  My philosophy ... read everything ... listen to everyone ... BELIEVE NOTHING!  Start from scratch. Let me give you an example.  I was doing some work for a tomato processor in northern California and I heard of this problem they had with one of their processing lines ... intermittent temperature spikes ... been happening for 15 years ... causing all sorts of hell ... cost them a small fortune.  I asked the Plant Manager if it was OK if I looked into it ... he thought I was crazy but he humored me ... told me not to hurt myself ... I was just a "bean counter".  It took me and the head of maintenance less than 1 week to find the problem ... and the problem never recurred in the following three years.  Done!  I've got dozen of similar stories ... all the same.  Ordinary scientists can't do shit ... they're there for the paycheck ... that's it." "Hell, tell me about it. (pause)  Let me tell you my situation ... maybe you can help me.  There's been the weirdest set of occurrences in this area ... have you heard of the death of Rep. Krupt and his family ... and the death of a whole bunch of protesters and their Pastor ... and now this golf course shit ... God, when it rains, it pours."  Rory's cell phone buzzes ... he sees it's Conrad.  "I've got to take this ... back in a minute."  Rory walks out of earshot.  "Yeeeees?"  "I've been listening to your conversation with that agent ... this is a hoot.  Question:  Do we want to bug this idiot's office or do I recall my fly?"  "Recall the fly ... have it land on me ... this guy's a whiny idiot ... totally useless."  "OK ... will do ... when my fly lands on your shoulder, don't swat it."  "Gotcha.  Let me get back to the whiner." "So, what do you think ... could we hire you to solve this problem ... find if there is any connection between the deaths and weird shit?"  "I avoid contact with the general public ... I would hate to be associated with anything which could put a person at risk.  Like pure physics ... not my specialty."  A group of four gentlemen enter the room ... take a table next to Rory and Jeff.  They're already drunk ... really loud ... don't care. "God, I love this work ... giving shit to A-rabs ... pushing them around ... threatening to have them deported if they don't shut-up.  What a great business to be in.  When's the next meeting?"  "Next week ... a combination KKK and White Nationalist shindig ... should be fun." Jeff: "I hate these white nationalist assholes ... think they own the country with their Emperor in the White House.  I wish someone would do something about these obnoxious fuckheads." Rory: "Do you now .... (trails off ... Rory in thought).

Scene 7: The Pot Shop: Rory to Jeff: "I've got my next project ... white nationalists.  You want in?" "I've been waiting to deal a blow to those assholes ... I'm VERY in"

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Next Time: White Nationalists

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Twankster,

am I right to assume that you are a closeted Tom Clancy fan? Your series reads like twitterized knock-off. I'm waiting for World War IV in Part 7/8.

Schengen is toast!

by epochepoque on Mon Mar 20th, 2017 at 11:59:21 PM EST
Nope, this is all MEEEE!  And I'm having a ball composing it.  No WW IV ... more like Avengers Assemble (!) for ordinary folks ... assuming I'm ordinary.

They tried to assimilate me. They failed.
by THE Twank (yatta blah blah @ blah.com) on Tue Mar 21st, 2017 at 07:38:01 PM EST
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