Tue Nov 11th, 2008 at 03:03:24 PM EST
Contents: "Да, мы можем! Да, мы можем!", or A Putin of One's Own.
I was not prepared for this. I was not prepared to win. I was not prepared to make history. I was not prepared for the tears. So many tears. Tears of joy. Tears of relief. Tears of exhaustion. Tears of vindication. Tears of freedom from the past 8 years of fear, helplessness, confusion, frustration, terror, disillusionment and shame. I was not prepared for the immensity of the weight lifted, or the immensity of the weight which replaced it. I was not prepared to drink with such abandon, to sleep so deeply, to smile at so many strangers. I was not prepared to walk to the bookshelf, remove a tome of poems, read them, aloud, feel the full force of their words course through my veins, realize years had passed since poetry had that effect on me, many long years, and to appreciate the curious pervasiveness of tyranny. I had not prepared for my name to become obsolete.
I began writing satire, or writing at all, really, as a way of coping with the political situation of that day. I wasn't prepared for the day that I would have nothing funny, nothing at all, really, to say. The only laughs I've elicited in the past week have been from highly intoxicated people who were in a state of existential giddiness verging on outright lunacy. My comment about Jewish men couldn't have been that witty.
I've never even written much about my own political situation. Talking about the Bush Administration for very long is kind of like talking about a slow painful death by parasite-born disease for very long. Why would you? Instead of acknowledging any association with my own government, I found a foreign country on the opposite end of the earth, adopted it, despite having no legal, ethnic or historical claim to, and blogged about THAT. Denial is not just a river in Egypt, and might explain why I was so very very unprepared for my post-November 4th reality.
Can someone tell me what to do when, having developed a brilliant coping skill which makes you internationally adored, whatever it was that you were trying to cope with is suddenly resolved? Omg, this is why comedians have such a high suicide rate isn't it?
Well, until I find a brilliant way to cope with the sudden irrelevance of my brilliant coping skills, I suppose I have no choice but to do what millions of American bloggers have done over the past week: write an impassioned argument for why the election of Barack Obama as President of the United States of America is, like, the most best thing to ever happen to America and the whole world ever. I know. I would normally flee from such pathetic group think and conformity in sheer disgust. But these are exceptional times, so I make an exception. Besides, I think they've just passed a new law here in Chicago requiring all residents to froth at the mouth with praise for our new President. So, here goes my "Why Barack Obama Rocks My World!" diary. Sigh... I hope it isn't a total waste of time.
After all, the amazing similarities between my new real life President and my old fantasy President deserve to be celebrated!
Barack Obama v. Vladimir Putin: A Comparative Analysis
BHO: Published biographical book before election detailing early years as an aimless "hoodlum."
VVP: Published biographical book before election detailing early years as an aimless "hooligan."
BHO: Maintains mental and physical acuity and athletic stereotypes by working out at the basketball court.
VVP: Maintains mental and physical acuity and athletic stereotypes by working out on the ski slopes.
BHO: "I'm too sexy for my shirt"
VVP: "Too sexy for my shirt"
"No way I'm disco dancing..."
BHO: Also knows how to rock a suit and shades..
VVP: Also knows how to rock a suit and shades and a posse.
BHO: Described by Charles Krauthammer as possessing "the steely self-discipline of a Vladimir Putin."
VVP: Is Vladimir Putin.
BHO: Spooky smart. (Although rumour has it his IQ is only 130...)
VVP: Smart spook. (Although rumour has it he was just shuffling papers in Dresden...)
BHO: Slightly creepy Cult of.
VVP: Slightly creepy Cult of.
BHO: Father of two very beautiful daughters who have some weirdly Russian sounding names: Sasha & Malia.
VVP: Father of two very beautiful daughters who have real Russian names: Maria & Katya.
BHO: Little plot of land acquired with the aid of a sketchy, corrupt individual.
VVP: 40 billion dollars worth of a assets acquired with the aid of sketchy, corrupt individuals, probably.
BHO: Is currently looking around for a puppy dog.
VVP: Has placed a remote-controlled GPS collar on his puppy dog so that he never has to look around for it again.
BHO: Success, ambition, devotion to wife and family, integrity make him a much needed role model for young African American males. American women want a man like Obama.
VVP: Success, ambition, devotion to wife and family, integrity make him a much needed role model for young Russian males. Russian women want a man like Putin.
BHO: According to scholars, is "Post-ideological," which basically translates as "Whatever you want him to be."
VVP: According to scholars, is "Post-ideological," which basically translates as "Whatever. I do what I want."
BHO: According to journalistic hacks, wants to turn America into a Communist State.
VVP: According to journalistic hacks, wants to return Russia to a Communist State.
BHO: According to poemless, publicly presents himself as a sensitive populist, but is secretly hell-bent on world domination.
VVP: According to poemless, publicly presents himself as hell-bent on world domination, but is secretly a sensitive populist.
BHO: His meteoric rise to power was aided by purging his challengers from ballots and running against certifiably insane lunatics.
VVP: His meteoric rise to power was maintained by purging his challengers from ballots and running against certifiably insane lunatics.
BHO: Was able to draw upon his mad skillz as a community organizer to create the most successful grassroots GOTV campaign in human history. ever.
VVP: Was able to draw upon his mad skillz as a KGB agent to terrify/coerce a submissive public into voting for him.
BHO: Democratically elected President in a landslide (but we all know that was just a formality and really he was hand-picked for the job by God Almighty.)
VVP: Democratically elected President in a landslide (but we all know that was just a formality and really he was hand-picked for the job by Boris Yeltsin.)
BHO: Inherited an economy in absolute ruin from a lazy, incompetent, corrupt idiot with drinking problem.
VVP: Copy. Paste.
BHO: The star-struck under-30 crowd played a critical role in getting him elected, from attending rallies to canvassing in Iowa to voting for him. ex: "I've got a crush on Obama" girl.
VVP: The star-struck Nashi played a critical role in getting him elected, from attending rallies to helping "manage" the election to playing silly pranks on his opponents because they are not actually old enough to vote. ex: "Vova, I'm with you!" bikini girl.
BHO: Rewards loyalty by giving his connections from Chicago, nicknamed "The Chicago Mafia," jobs in the White House.
VVP: Rewards loyalty by giving his connections from St. Petersburg, nicknamed "The Petersburg Clan," jobs in the Kremlin. Also lets some of the real mafia stay on.
BHO: Right-hand man Rahm Emanuel might be the devil. But is kinda cute.
VVP: Right-hand man Vladislav Surkov might be the devil. But is totally hot.
BHO: Though technically only leader of the United States of America, citizens of other countries imagine he is their leader too. ex: Kenya, Ireland.
VVP: Though technically only leader of the Russian Federation, imagines he is leader of citizens of other countries too. ex: Ukraine, Georgia.
BHO: Actually, he isn't really the President right now, due to laws dictating the transfer of power.
VVP: No comment.
BHO: American media are absolutely biased in favor of him, and every national network is Obama 24/7. Seriously, they won't say one critical thing about him. Like Bush in 2002.
VVP: Russian media are absolutely biased in favor of him, and every national network is Putin 24/7. Seriously, they won't say one critical thing about him. Like Stalin in 1942.
(Hm. Maybe Sarah Palin should get an op-ed column in Izvestia...)
VVP: Has created jobs, stabilized the economy, earned respect among his international peers, made Russians proud to be Russian again, woven together a beautiful historical narrative to alleviate widespread national schizophrenia, scored job of hosting the Olympics, been named Time Magazine's "Man of the Year," looked fabulous while doing it all.
BHO: Has written a to do list:
"Create jobs, stabilize the economy, earn respect among international peers,
make Americans proud to be American again (Done! Reward self with ice cream cone.), weave together a beautiful historical narrative to alleviate widespread national schizophrenia, score Chicago job of hosting the Olympics, get named Time Magazine's 'Man of the Year,' look fabulous while doing it all."
You: "Hey can we get a picture of the hot guy in the White House - even if he's not of Slavic origin?"
Me: "Yes We Can!"
Ok, mes amis. Thanks for reading. Have a lovely week!