Sat Jul 17th, 2010 at 04:04:36 AM EST
I've been trying to think how to write something about my mom. I might have just skipped writing about it and moved on to other things, if not for the fact that in mid-crisis, I'd posted a diary about the situation and, in what I've learned is a pretty dependable reaction in these parts, I'd gotten a lot of support from the community.
So although many here on ET already know, I felt I should say something to the blog-at-large. It didn't seem right to attempt to write anything else like nothing happened after having posted that howl-of-pain diary.
My mom passed away on May 6th. Although I've written it several times in personal communication and had to say it out loud to numerous people, it's still a hard sentence, so blunt, so definite... but at the moment, I don't seem to have whatever it takes to write much more about it.
I'd like to say something about her -- to tell you something of her life, of her as a person or her as a mother. Before her memorial service, I'd started to write a eulogy for her, but I got to the part where I called god an asshole and stopped. No matter how I tried to edit or rewrite, I couldn't seem to not call god an asshole. It kept coming around to that, so I gave up - my mom wouldn't have wanted me being blasphemous on her behalf.
So I thought maybe with some time, I could write something here for her, but evidently I'm just not ready. In the meantime, I've felt a bit blocked from writing here, like I didn't just want to reappear and not say anything. I've sort of done that anyway, but I couldn't get past the feeling that I should say something. You were all here for me when I needed you, and I truly appreciate it and felt I owed you some sort of follow-up.
Anyway, I'm sorry not to have anything else to write. I'm doing ok again finally. I went through a period of shock and was absolutely heartbroken and bereft for awhile. But I've taken the time to rest and recover physically, and to absorb some of it. I'm slowly trying to readjust to a world without my mother in it. Maybe some day I can write about my mom the way I'd like to.
In the meantime, I'm carrying on, and as is my natural tendency, I'm being more social, taking solace from the company of others. In keeping with that, Jerome is here visiting and we'll be attending the Netroots Nation convention in Las Vegas next week. Hopefully I'll have some fun things to write about.
As always, your comments are more than welcome, but please don't recommend this. I just thought you should know.