by Crazy Horse
Thu May 19th, 2011 at 03:38:53 PM EST
Making fun of the Rapture appears in comments on several recent threads, if not throughout the known internet. In fact, there's a facecrack site which has hundreds of thousands of people signing up for "looting," which of course is why these small minded idiots will not be doing much flying. Check it out, the group is awaiting the reply from 387,445 lost souls.
I've learned a great deal about global economics by being here, which has made me a worser person. Not particularly devilish, exactly, but even evil eye recoil at the mocking laughter heaped on those privy to insider tips. Perhaps the prejudging is premature.
Perhaps you should consider some of the results from the series of test runs we performed at the behest of the Old Trinity.
Of course, we named the commission the New Trinity; in all, three dry runs were performed. Eye was present at one of the tests, but have reviewed and analyzed the data from all three.
First, let me be clear, Old Trinity completely mitigated 7 of the 9 risk areas we identified, and we were all in agreement, subject to minor, virtually inconsequential variances in data interpretation. The commission debated the other two, and opinions were split evenly, not counting coercion and fear.
Half of us wanted to run further tests, while the other third felt the data already showed conclusive trends. In the end we were both overruled, as the Old Trinity let us know in rather harsh terms that under conditions of austerity and forced sterilizations, there simply wasn't enough shekels for further tests.
The Viking (that's what we called the Horned One on the Commission) went so far as question our very methodology, and thundered against the request for more tests, stating, "God Damn It, we all know where the data is pointing." In any case this executive summary does not reflect data from the tests we did not perform.
There was also debate about whether we should release the data, and if so, in what form. Especially as this project was commissioned by The Formless, it was decided upon us that we should present the data only in discussion form, with a side order of take it or leave it.
Data Review 1.01
- The Rapture tests did not produce 100% "lift-off" as we were led to believe.
- The Vast Majority of test life forms were indeed raptured durting the first test, in fact, well over 51.7%. (Asterisk: there remains discussion on defining successful rapture.)
- The Commission is at a loss to describe why there were declining results in each subsequent test, though several mitigating factors were identified. After the 2nd test, the instruments were recalibrated, and were found to be within tolerance. (The Viking stated that with our primitive analysis programs, we could not detect the actual result.)
- The third and final test was conclusive in that all of the test subjects were no longer there. However, the data was inconclusive on where they went. (Footnote: Upon review of the tapes, there were exclamations outside normal trend lines, even under regression. The Commission decided to ignore the outliers. We provide two examples to help you understand the decision: "Woo Hoo, I can still drive my Ferrari," and, "Shit, I owe Deutsche Bank my first born.")
- There were zero data points from the successes, which was to be expected.
- It was the considered opinion of the Commission that with enough of the mitigation measures in place, the first of the actual planned Rapture events would be likely to achieve its targets, with a high enough confidence level to approve its use.
- For a full discussion of the mitigation measures, refer to a full compendium in the appendicitus.
In the Spirit of Openness, the Commission has decided to release a preliminary version of the Final Report, which we're told will never be finished, but will certainly, given the prevailing definition of certainty, lead to later revisions.
This is the first release of Old Trinity Commission Engineering Analysis report 1.03 v.5. It is not dependent upon your belief structure, nor your your ignorance. Genuflect, mofuckah.
DISCLAIMER: No Caol Ila was harmed in the process of drafting this Analysis, and the subsequent Diary. Further, the one One-Horned Goat sacrificed has transmigrated to a better place.
DISCLAIMER ZWEI: There are no photographs, tables, or whatever you call those squiggly line things, for obvious reasons. The Commission stands by the data anyways, know what eye mean?
