by Frank Schnittger
Thu Aug 1st, 2019 at 11:40:05 AM EST
The European Tribune has obtained a copy of Boris Johnson's private diary an extract from which is published below: (Some links have been added for clarity)
Ever since the EU decided to leave the British Empire it has been trying to blame the British for all the problems this is causing, particularly in Ireland, where it will result in a hard customs border right across the middle of Britain's oldest colony. Britain only reluctantly agreed to the partition of Ireland in 1922 to stop the Irish killing each other, and has been striving to reduce the significance of that border ever since; particularly through the Belfast (Good Friday) Agreement where the British finally managed to get the Irish to see some sense.
The EU's insistence on pursuing its own foreign and trade policies means it can no longer retain access to Britain's global reach through a Commonwealth on which the sun never sets. This return to a "little Europe" mentality is a regrettable, but perhaps inevitable consequence of the EU no longer being able to compete on the world stage with the British masters of innovation and financial wizardry. London will become the centre of global capitalism with the EU merely an impoverished hinterland.
Ireland will return to being the backwater it always was: Good enough to provide food for the mainland when they aren't being stupid enough to starve themselves through a silly dependency on one crop. Instead of eating just spuds they should have been eating Fish&Chips like the rest of us. They think the Spanish and French and Germans will come to their aid, but hah! How did that work out for them in 1601 with Spanish support at the battle of Kinsale, and French support for the 1798 uprising? The reality is that the Irish are born losers and have once again picked the losing side.
Donald and myself will be leading a new western renaissance where we will be teaching the Chinese what's what and dominating the world with the help our regional champions in Saudi Arabia and Israel, Brazil and Australia. Meanwhile the Europeans will be busy tying themselves up in bureaucratic knots with the Common Agricultural Policy when everyone knows it's so much cheaper to produce food in cleared jungle areas of the Amazon. Mind you, I have to say it was damned clever of Margaret to lumber the EU with all those backward Eastern European states who yearn for a return to Communism. Vladimir must be laughing his head off having gotten rid of that lot!
Donald says his Presidency is just a first step towards building Trump towers in Moscow and every eastern European Capital so he can look down on them fighting each other in bureaucratic wrangling while we make hay and rake in the real money. He has even hinted that he may consider me as his successor when his gig as President is up given my American birthright and experience of running an eastern state. The Americans just love my posh accent and roly poly ways and most don't understand the difference between England and New England anyway!
But first we must teach these Europeans a few things about the British Bulldog spirit and never say die attitude towards seemingly insurmountable odds. The Battle of Britain has only just begun, and even a bit of rationing will only serve to invoke the spirit of the Blitz! The fools in Parliament have already voted for Brexit with a default exit date of 31st Oct. and all I have to do for it to happen, is do nothing. "Masterly inactivity" my mentor, Winston, called it.
They think they can stop a "no deal" Brexit, but it's written in the Treaty: "The Treaties will cease to apply" when the Article 50 period is over, and the EU can't extend it without my say so. I can see the EU Council begging me to ask for an extension, but of course I shan't. Parliament will try to oust me but will be too slow to get its act together and leave it too late to force a general election before that fateful date. And if they do, I will show that loser, Corbyn, what's what, because I am the only one with a plan, and the leadership abilities, to make no deal work, and the British people know that. As I always say "Voting Tory will cause your wife to have bigger breasts and increase your chances of owning a BMW M3."
Brexit is all about putting facts on the ground before the plebs can do anything about it, and then Dominic will tell them it's what they always wanted. Corbyn couldn't manage his way out of a paper bag and he and the Lib Dems will split the Remain vote between them meaning our fantastic First Past The Post electoral system will annihilate them. I think I put it rather well when I said "The Lib Dems are not just empty. They are a void within a vacuum surrounded by a vast inanition." "
And as for that poor old "rather engaging geezer" Nigel Farage, he doesn't know what's hit him with me stealing the Brexit party's clothes, and now, as a one issue party, they don't have a leg to stand on. As he well knows, "My policy on cake is pro having it and pro eating it," and I have just had his cake for lunch.
People often ask me "what if all of this goes horribly wrong?" but I remind them of what I said when Michael Howard sacked me for being economical with the truth about some some trifling marital indiscretions: "My friends, as I have discovered myself, there are no disasters, only opportunities. And, indeed, opportunities for fresh disasters."